Amatuer Gay Blog -

Then came the guy. Let’s call him Brad. Brad’s profile had six photos. Five were of his truck. One was of his dog. His bio: “Conservative. God first. Just seeing what’s out there.”

I deleted the app at 6:00 AM the next morning (couldn’t sleep, anxiety brain).

I set my profile. Photo of me at the beach (angles matter). Bio: “Likes long walks to the fridge and queer horror movies. He/him.”

For context, I’ve been out for about four years. I have a Grindr horror story that involves a unicycle (don’t ask), and a Scruff success story that ended after three dates because he didn’t like The Golden Girls (dealbreaker). So why did I go back to the dark side? amatuer gay blog

So hey—if that’s you? Send the message.

Within three minutes, I got a match. A woman. "Hey! Love your smile! Do you go to Hillsong Church?" I politely replied that I am, in fact, a gay man, and she unmatched faster than I can say "internalized homophobia."

Him: “Cool. Do you want to come over tonight and watch me play Call of Duty? My roommate is gone.” Then came the guy

That guy isn’t on the orange app. He’s probably at home, reading an amateur gay blog, wondering if he should send a message.

Did I find love? No. Did I find a decent bagel place recommendation? Also no. Did I get a story to share with you guys? Absolutely.

And just like that, the romance died. Not because there’s anything wrong with Call of Duty. But because I realized—he wasn’t looking for a date. He was looking for a warm body on his couch who wouldn’t complain about the Mountain Dew cans. Five were of his truck

What’s your worst “straight app” experience? Drop it in the comments. Let’s suffer together. This post is part of the “Amateur Hour” series. I have no credentials, no editor, and no idea what I’m doing. But I’m doing it anyway.

Last Tuesday, at 11:47 PM, fueled by two glasses of cheap rosé and a deep, spiritual boredom, I did something stupid. I re-downloaded a “mainstream” dating app. You know, the one with the orange and white logo. The one where 90% of the profiles are either: a) A guy holding a fish. b) A guy whose bio just says “Fluent in sarcasm.” c) A guy who is “just looking for a gym bro.”

So I Tried a “Straight” Dating App Again (For Science. Bad Science.)

But here’s what I’m holding onto: For every Brad with a truck, and every Mark with a controller, there’s a guy out there who is also tired. Tired of the games. Tired of the scripts. A guy who just wants to hold hands at a farmer’s market and complain about the price of tomatoes.

[Your Name]